I thought about the work of neuropsychologist John Cacioppo, co-author, with William Patrick of Loneliness: The New Science of Human Connection as I watched this video put out by the Mental Health Foundation in Great Britain, which highlights the findings of a new study, The Lonely Society.
The antidote for loneliness is to connect with consequential strangers. Having a “tribe,” John told me when I interviewed him for the book, is the flip side of social isolation. All of us experience loneliness at times, but it is most dramatic–and we are most vulnerable–during major life transitions when a dependable “circle of support” is disrupted. In this film, for example, the woman lost her CS at work when she had a baby.
It happened to me, too, when I moved from New York City to Northampton, MA. Gone were merchants I dealt with, doctors, my hair dresser, people I’d chat with for a few minutes when our paths crossed. I didn’t realize how valuable those brief encounters were until I no longer had them.
I’ve heard similar stories from people who have been laid off. They miss the everyday banter that they once took for granted. And it’s hard to regain a sense of equilibrium. In “What I Lost When I Lost My Job,” Dominique Browning, former editor of House & Garden, puts it this way: “With the closing of the magazine, my beloved family of colleagues was obliterated. And so was the structure of my life.”
In order to feel “at home” in new circumstances–whatever they are–we may need to recruit new CS. To be sure, if one is shy or socially awkward, striking up a conversation with anyone can be difficult, but less so with someone you barely know. There’s no baggage from the past–only the present moment. It’s a good place to start. For example, the woman this video ultimately connected with other isolated mothers. She didn’t need to become best friends with them; knowing that they experienced similar feelings made her less ashamed of her own.
If you need a little help reaching out to people, check out “21 Ways to Make Meaningful Connections,” an article I contributed to Beliefnet.
August 4th, 2010 at 10:42 am
PBS rebroadcast The Way We Get By, a documentary of three seniors who serve as volunteer Troop Greeters in Maine, on its P.O.V. series last night. It is a moving portrait of appreciation, aging, the Meaning of Life and the power of consequential strangers. The two men suffer from bouts of loneliness, but their dedication to traveling to the Bangor airport to personally welcome the troops home – or wish them well on their way out – for several years appears to provide an antidote. I was struck by the ways that their unfailing expressions of appreciation opened the way for them to experience appreciation (from the troops) … the three seniors (and their fellow volunteers) were consequential strangers for the troops, and the troops were consequential strangers for the volunteers.
August 4th, 2010 at 10:54 am
Joe, thanks for this. What a great story.