This email, entitled “Thanks,” which is currently circulating the Internet with billions of other “warnings” and “pleas,” ended up in my in-box. I’ve edited it slightly edited for length–it’s my “best of.” If you know who wrote it, I’d love to congratulate him or her!
Besides making you laugh, I hope that reading this will give you pause the next time you forward an email alarm to your friends. It’s always a good idea to Google “Internet hoaxes” first. You’ll find several sites, such as Snopes and Hoax Busters, that will talk you down.
Thanks
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door
Without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room
Because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread
Because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse
For fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I no longer have any savings
Because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer eat at KFC
Because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use deodorants
Because they cause cancer.
I no longer drink Coca Cola
Because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline
Without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper
Since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ’Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap
In the microwave because it causes cancer.
I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore
Because it will blow up in my face… Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
Because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls
Because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex
Since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine
Because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot
Because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
…I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…
