Long before I wrote the book, I suggested this simple one-day experiment to a chronically depressed friend: As you go through your day, whenever you encounter someone, at least smile at him or her. If you can muster the courage, say hello and share a few words. I suggested to her that it might be easiest with people she often encountered–her neighbor, the Fed Ex guy, assorted gym-goers at the Y. Amazingly, she tried it. Even more amazing, it worked. She felt less alone in the world.
Now I know why it worked. She was paying attention to her most distant consequential strangers. Everyone you connect with, however insignificant the relationship may seem, is part of your “social convoy”–the assorted characters in your life. Your loved ones anchor you at home, but these peripheral people, give you a sense of belonging in the world. Each, in some small way, contributes to the overall quality of your life.
You don’t have to be depressed to try this. Let me know what happens.
June 12th, 2009 at 8:30 am
This interesting entry prompts the following thoughts.
In lovingkindness meditations, you direct your wishes/thoughts to a “neutral” person (in addition to all the rest, from yourself and those near and dear to “all sentient beings.” Sharon Salzberg has said very often it’s hard to find a neutral person because we’ve all already made some kind of judgment about everybody with whom we come into contact, even in the briefest encounter.
A basic tent of Buddhism is that we have a relationship with everyone – that , in your terms, everyone is consequential. People we encounter in the course of a day, even the briefest of encounters, are consequential in that they pose an opportunity for a choice in what your practice in the world: love, empathy, kindness vs. anger, fear, hate.
And depressed people in tune with Buddhism are helped by the thought of all the people in the world who are sending out lovingkindness to “all sentient beings,” which, of course, includes them.
June 14th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
[...] great follow-up to my May 28 post, An Experiment Worth Trying: I discovered this when one of my neighbor, who has already read pieces of Consequential [...]
August 1st, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Someone – a CS – sent this to me in a group email years ago. In the late 90′s, the Dalai Lama shared a practice (below) with a group of visitors that he said will increase loving and compassion in the world. Lately I’ve been practicing it more consistently with strangers — shop clerks, airline co-passengers, medical receptionists, etc. The benefits are immediate and profound. My own experience tells me that this practice helps lift depression.
THE DALAI LAMA’S PRACTICE OF COMPASSION
1.Spend 5 minutes at the beginning of each day remembering we all want the same thing (to be happy and loved) and we are all connected.
2.Spend 5 minutes cherishing yourself and others. Let go of judgments. Breathe in cherishing yourself, and breathe out cherishing others. If the faces of the people you are having difficulty with appear, cherish them as well.
3.During the day extend that attitude to everyone you meet – we are all the same, and I cherish myself and you [do it with the grocery store clerk, the client, your family, coworkers, etc.].
4.Stay in the practice, no matter what happens.
August 12th, 2009 at 6:46 am
[...] response to “An Experiment Worth Trying,” a reader left this reply. On other sites, if I’m in a rush, I sometimes [...]